Sleeve redux

A chest that bears his emptiness

Which the blood-stain will profess

Soaked completely down to his sallow skin

Leaving no choice but to redress

There’s just one shirt that remains to him

The raiment in which he grieves

It’s black and burned and stained in tears

With sorrow adorning both sleeves

*I didn’t like the (rushed) first one; here’s a redux
*feel free to let me know which you think is better

14 thoughts on “Sleeve redux

      1. Sorry, I didn’t mean for it to sound like I was implying anything. You’re definitely wrong. 😋 Yeah I get it. I think, though, that it can be done better in the simpler version. Word choice and rhythm. The way it is, just doesn’t feel like anything matches, to me.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. I like this one, too (for reasons I’ve mentored above), this more typifies my writing style (for better or worse). But I get all the points made. There’s often tremendous value in a pure and simple approach. Successfully saying something in just a few chosen words can be elegant and have just as much impact. Thank you

      Like

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